How Kindness Made Me a Millionaire

 

by P. Elroy Wulffstupfer

 

April 23, 2015

Dear Aunt Nell,

Thank you for the $5.00 Christmas present. Well, thanks again.

Love,

Elroy

 

April 26, 2015

My Dear Elroy,

I gave you $500 and a laptop. I hope you are enjoying them. How is the job hunt going?

Love,

Aunt Nell

 

September 5, 2015

Dear Aunt Nell,

Oh, were those from you? Thanks. Did you know that now you can get a laptop with a larger screen?

Well, thanks again. 

Love,

Elroy

P.S. Speaking of job hunting, last weekend I flew to Las Vegas for an interview at Caesar's Palace. I was mugged on the way back to my car. The thief got away with $5000! Would you kindly loan me that amount until I can pay you back?

PEW

September 8, 2015

My Dear Elroy,

I'm so glad you are getting interviews. Is the beach house working out for you? Glad I could put a roof over your head. Meanwhile, yes, of course you can borrow $5000. I’ve included a check for that amount in this mailing.

     My birthday was yesterday. I’ve reached the big 8-0. I left a message on your voice mail last week inviting you to dinner but I guess you're too busy job hunting to check it very often. Since you're only twenty minutes away, I was hoping that you could make it. I played solitaire and watched Lawrence Welk on cable, but I missed having company.

     I wonder if you could check your voice mail more. I’m no spring chicken and I have no one to contact in an emergency.

Love,

Aunt Nell

 

September 11, 2015

Aunt Nell, this is awkward but there was no check in the envelope. You’re 80 now and I’m wondering if your memory is beginning to slip. Perhaps you only thought you put the check in.

Happy belated birthday wishes!

Love,

Elroy

 

September 14, 2015

My Dear Elroy,

I feel simply awful about the check. Now I’m wondering if I only dreamed that I put it into the envelope. My accountant says it cleared, but then he said some dreadful things about you, so I suspect that a post office employee snitched it. To make up for it, I included another $5,000 check in this mailing.

Love,

Aunt Nell

 

March 2, 2016

Dear Aunt Nell,

Thanks for the $5,000 gift. Annoying, isn’t it, that inflation has made it worth 6% less than a year ago. I did the math and my total loss comes out to about $1200. Would it be asking too much to ask for a check to cover it?

Since Christmas and New Years both have passed now, this card will have to do double duty. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

Well, thanks again.

Love,

Elroy

P.S. I pounded the pavement all day yesterday looking for a job, again to no avail. Well, not entirely—this will amuse you—I saw a help wanted sign in the window of a Burger King! When I dropped out of college, I was only seven semesters away from a bachelor's degree in Elizabethan literature. I'm sure I'm going to flip burgers!

PEW

March 4, 2016

Dear Lucinda,

I write through my tears. Our dear Aunt Nell died, apparently several weeks ago. The doctor said she fell down the stairs. I hadn’t heard from her for a while, so yesterday I asked Mr. Smith next door to check on her. He found her on the floor, phone in hand. A bit ripe, no disrespect intended. Mr. Smith kindly is handling funeral arrangements, etc., since job hunting has me pretty well tied up.

     As you know, I’ve been the only one to care for her, with you in Hawaii and Helen in L.A. I’m not complaining though. Her pleasant company has been the greatest blessing in my life. I’ve watched more Lawrence Welk than I cared to, but because it was with Aunt Nell, every second was precious.

     Her investment portfolio almost equals the expenses that I have incurred, so I have moved her accounts to my portfolio. The remainder I will absorb. It’s the least I can do, having enjoyed her company through many a lonely evening.

     If it’s alright with you, I’d like the beach house. As executor I’ve already put it in my name, to save bothering you with annoying paperwork. Obviously I’ll also need her antique furniture and collection of Post-Impressionist art, or I'll have nothing to fill it with, LOL! You’re more than welcome to her wardrobe (I understand that vintage clothing is quite the trend), and the salt and pepper shaker collection. Helen’s already said it’s fine with her.  

In deepest sorrow,

Your loving brother Elroy

 

March 4, 2016

Dear Helen,

I write through my tears. Our dear Aunt Nell died, apparently several weeks ago. The doctor said she fell down the stairs. I hadn’t heard from her for a while, so yesterday I asked Mr. Smith next door to check on her. He found her on the floor, phone in hand. A bit ripe, no disrespect intended. Mr. Smith kindly is handling funeral arrangements, etc., since job hunting consumes every waking moment.

     As you know, I’ve been the only one to care for her, with you in LA and Lucinda in Hawaii. I’m not complaining though. Her pleasant company has been the greatest blessing in my life. I’ve watched more Lawrence Welk than I cared to, but because it was with Aunt Nell, every second was precious.

     Her investment portfolio almost equals the expenses that I have incurred, so I have moved her accounts to my portfolio. The remainder I will absorb. It’s the least I can do, having enjoyed her company through many a lonely evening.

     If it’s alright with you, I’d like the beach house. As executor I’ve already put it in my name, to save bothering you with annoying paperwork. Obviously I’ll also need her antique furniture and collection of Post-Impressionist art, or I'll have nothing to fill it with, LOL! You’re more than welcome to the charming afghans she crocheted and her exquisite paint-by-number still lifes. Lucinda’s already said it’s fine with her.

In deepest sorrow,

Your loving brother Elroy